Nighttime hobbit confessionals

"Frodo, what are you doing in there?"
"Nothing! Don't come in!"
"Are you stroking your ring?"
"No! Go away!"
...
Gollum/Ted: "You see, I talk like this because I've smoked 14 packs a day since I was 6. I used to have a singing voice! Gollum! Gollum!"
...
Legolas: The trees have feelings, my friend.
Lucas: Fuckin' treehuggin' greenie!
...
Aragorn: "Who are you? Show yourself!"
Ted/Gandalf: "I'm his friend, JESUS!"
...
Gandalf: "I smote his ruin upon the mountainside."
Ted/Gandalf: "Less poetically, I kicked his bitch ass and toasted myself with a brewski."