Wrap up

Ok, we've been faffing about doing useless things... like eating, and talking. We finished The Two Towers and are now rushing through Return Of The King so I can get to the last train on time. Run you little bastards! Get up the damned mountain!

Oh dear God.

Craig's humping the dog and humming the Star Trek fight music.

This marathon has become a mockery.

Rude awakening

Theoden: Where is Theodred? Where is my son?
Lucas: He's behind the sofa!

I think Eowyn was singing a traditional Elvish gangsta rap at Theodred's funeral. Caught something in translation about "bustin' an arrow in dwarven ass".

Still not King.

Go Girlfriend!

Merry: "Everyone knows im the tall one and your the short one"
Pippin/Lucas: "Bitch PLEASE! you did NOT just say that!"

Bam!

"I'd give anything for a whiff of old Toby!"
Lucas: "Yeah, well, toby doesn't like you anymore."

The Black Gate

*Easterlings marching at Black Gates*
Lucas: I don't know but I been told, Chardonnay must be served cold!

*trumpet*
Craig: WHO IS IIT????

Ted/Troll on Gate: I'm gittin' 20 an hour for this!

Easterling/Lucas: I'm going to go investigate that pile o' rubble. Wanna come
Easterling2/Craig: I am so fat. Orca fat. Diets never work for me.

Nighttime hobbit confessionals

"Frodo, what are you doing in there?"
"Nothing! Don't come in!"
"Are you stroking your ring?"
"No! Go away!"
...
Gollum/Ted: "You see, I talk like this because I've smoked 14 packs a day since I was 6. I used to have a singing voice! Gollum! Gollum!"
...
Legolas: The trees have feelings, my friend.
Lucas: Fuckin' treehuggin' greenie!
...
Aragorn: "Who are you? Show yourself!"
Ted/Gandalf: "I'm his friend, JESUS!"
...
Gandalf: "I smote his ruin upon the mountainside."
Ted/Gandalf: "Less poetically, I kicked his bitch ass and toasted myself with a brewski."

Rhurummmm

Treebeard: "Little Orcs...Rhhaaaaarummm..."
Treebeard/Lucas: AHm gonna eaaaaat you!
Treebeard/Craig: Git in mah belly!


...

Treebeard: Nobody cares for the woods anymore.
Lucas: Maybe if you stopped EATING PEOPLE!!!

Rohirrim Border Check

*Eomer's men surround the Three*
Emomer/Lucas: Now do you have any fruits, vegetables or livestock with you?"

You want malcontent and warmongering? Move to Iraq.

Eomer: "Too long have you watched my sister. Too long have you haunted her steps."
Lucas/Eomer: "Too long have you been hanging outisde her bedroom window jerking off into the flowerpot."
Ted/Wormtongue: "You saw that? What were you doing?"
Lucas/Eomer: "Never you mind!"



Hey look, the Orcs are chucking a sickie!

"What do your elf-eyes see?"

"The Uruks turn northeast! They're taking the hobbits to Isengard!"
Lucas: "Duty-free shop. Cheap grog."
Craig: "Isengard: the new Melbourne."

Running running tastes of llama, llama, llama duck!

*Gollum realizes he forgot to set his Tivo to record Friends, screams and runs away*

Orc: What do you smell?
Orc2: Man flesh!
Lucas: He must be passing Oxford Street!
Craig: To the Mardi Gras!

Orc Draft: *Merry coughs and chokes*
Ted: That WD40 goes down smooooth.

Why does the Balrog fall? His great bloody wings must be useless!

"Can you see the bottom, Mr. Frodo?"
"Don't look down, Sam!"
"Can you feel it?"
"I'm losing my grip!"
"Hold on!"


EEEeeeeeeeeew.

We're going to die!

Hooray! Pass the Malteasers! And the poverty lollies Ted bought! They make you sick and sugared at the same time!

GREEN BOX OVER!

RED BOX BEGIN!


...


...


NOW!

Fun Times Ahead

Aragorn: "Let's hunt some orc!"
Gimly: "YYYEYEAAAAHHHH!!"
Me: "And some pussy."
Lucas: "And some beeeeerrrrr! Ah know this place wherrrre the Barmaids have shaved. Yep. No beards! It's raunchy!"

Frodo's whining again.

Maybe he has worms. Where are the worm pills?

*blogging interrupted by watching of big carnage scene(tm)

*Aragorn cuts off Lurtz's arm, then stabs him in the gut. Lurtz grabs his sword, so Aragorn decapitates him*
Lucas/Aragorn: There. That should do it. Bitch. Now. What's for tea?

Boromir: "Frodo? Frodo???"
Ted/Boromir: "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!" - aka Last Man On Earth

Shake it like a polaroid orc-ture.

*Urukhai are preparing for war and chanting*
Us/Uruks: OOGA-CHAKA-OOGA-CHAKA-OOGA-CHAKA-OOGA-OOGA-OOGA-CHAKA, I CAN'T STOP THIS FEEEELIN'.... DEEP INSIDE OF MEEEEE...
Ted: Who knew Orcs were gay?
Lucas: The line dancing tipped me off. Why do you think they looked so mad when they couldn't "spoil" the hobbitses.

Funderful

For the last long time, i've been totally covered in animal, dog on lap, cat on shoulder like some sort of really confused pirate, whose parrot is on vacation.


Galadriel: In place of a dark lord, you could have a QUEEN! ALL SHALL LOVE ME AND DESPAIR!!!
Lucas: Hope that's not her Oscar acceptance speech.

Snippets

Boromir: "Do not carry the weiught of the dead, Frodo."
Craig/Frodo: "Ohhh... I thought they would fit." *takes dead body out of backpack*

...

Haldir: "Lothlorien! The centre of elfkind on Middle Earth."
Lucas/Aragorn: "Nice matte painting."
Ted/Haldir: "Shut up."

...

Celeborn (intoning): Eight are here yet nine set out from Rivendell...
Lucas/Celeborn (intoning): Y'all done fucked up, yo.

Balrog. Wasn't he a black boxer from Street Fighter 2?

*Balrog is tear-assing down the hall*
Boromir: What is this new devilry?
Lucas/Gandalf: An ex-girlfirend, actually.
Lucas/Balrog: WHY DIDN"'T YOU CALL, GANDALF! YOU LEFT YOUR ROBE AT MY PLACE AND DIDN'T COME BACK FOR IT!
Lucas/Gandalf: I meant to call, honey. Please believe me!
Lucas/Balrog: YOU WERE SO GOOD TO ME!
Lucas/Gandalf: I NEVER LIKED YOUR QUICHE, FLAME OF UNDUN!
Lucas/Balrog: *sob* You bastard! Why do you hurt me so?

***

Gandalf: YOU SHALL NOT PASS!
Lucas/Balrog: You don't own me, bitch!

"Not the beard!

It's where I keep my eyeglasses!"

Location Location Location

Gandalf: "The air doesn't smell so foul down there. When in doubt, Meriadoc, just follow your nose."
Ted: "YOU'VE BEEN TO SURRY HILLS!"


...


Gandalf: The great dwarf city of Dwarrowdelf.
Lucas: AKA St. Peter's Cathedral, Sydney! Visit the gift shoppe!

Are we in Moria yet?

No.
Are we in Moria yet?
No.
Are we in Moria yet?
No. Wait... Yes.

"The wealth of Moria was not in gold or silver... but in ketchup!"

The squid thing has become Zoidberg, thanks to Craig. "Give me Frodo! I haven't eaten in a week! Friends! Help! A hobbit tricked me!"

The Snowy Pass Of Caradhas

Boromir: "GANDALF, WE MUST GET OFF THE MOUNTAIN!"
Lucas: "and I have to go to the BATHroom!"
Gandalf: "NO!"
Ted: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"

Oh no... there must be an Animagus in the Fellowship.

Because I see... CHOCOBO RUSH!




Birdie-birdie-birdie-birdie-birdie-birdie-birdie-birdie-birdie-birdie-birdie-birdie-birdie-birdie-birdie-birdie-birdie-birdie-birdie-birdie-birdie-birdie-birdie-birdie-birdie-birdie-birdie-birdie-birdie-birdie-birdie-birdie-birdie-birdie-birdie-birdie-birdie-birdie-birdie-birdie-birdie!!!!


and when those birdies go down into the mines to report, you KNOW there's one that misses a turn a veers into one of the forges.
"Turn left, Stevie, ya daftie!"
" I can't! I'm gonna-" *FWOOF* *SQUAWK!*

Landmark

We're through our first 2L bottle of pepsi. 8 more there in the fridge!

*Bilbo gifting Frodo*
"Here, have a shiny nightie! Give me back that ring!"
*Bilbo looks evil*
Lucas: "I don't like Uncle Bilbo when he drinks!"

Disc one has been completed...

"...the story continues on disc two. CHANGE THE DISC, FUCKERS!!!"

Lucas thinks Boromir is wearing far too much leather to be trustworthy.

Boromir: "Why NOT use this ring? I could throw it pretty hard!" - Lucas

***
Elrond: "The ring must be cast back into the fiery chasm from whence it came. One of you must do this."

Frodo: "WHAT?!?!?!"

Passive-aggressive

Boromir: 'We're here on common purpose, friend'
Aragorn/Lucas: 'Who're you callin' friend, pal?'
Boromir/Lucas: 'Who're you calling pal, JACKASS?'

***

Gandalf: "There is one who could unite the tribes of men."
Craig: 'MORBO!!!!'

Frodo: 'The ring will be safe here. I am ready to go home'
Lucas: 'You've got TWO more movies to go, old son!'

Wraith Fun

It was bathtime for the wraiths.. quotes ensued:

"I dont wanna have a bath, i had one yesturday!"

"Dude! That water was shaped like horses"

"Ow Fuck i have swimmers ear!"

*Wraiths get washed away* "Little help?"


Then later, Gandalf jumps off the tower:

"Here comes fun!!"

"Cowabunga dude!"

"Shit i mis-timed it!"

I think the Wraiths have a crew of Gregorian chanters following them around.

Gandalf is so going to eat that moth. "AM-nam-chomp-num-nam....it's been a while since those jelly babies."

*UrukHai is born*
Ted: Is that where babies come from, Mommy?
Lucas: Yes, dear. Out of plastic bags in the mud.
Ted: YOU TOLD ME THEY CAME OUT OF YOU!
*Urukhai stand up, looks at his hands*
Craig: Duuude. My hands are huuuuge. They can touch everything but themselves.

*Liv Tyler arrives*
"She's an elf"
Craig: She's a Vulcan, damnit!
Ted: Get a load of her sideburns!!
Lucas: Dude. They're speaking Mexican or something. I think they want Taco Bell.

Where's James when you need him??? "Man, Liv Tyler is so hot...Hot metal...hot-taaaaallll..."

Hobbit warfare

Who needs swords! We have a chair, a candle and our fists! Come and get some!

*Wraiths kick in gate onto gatekeeper*
Lucas: "My face! My beautiful, beautiful face!"

Gandalf?

"Elderly chap. Big grey beard, pointy hat."
Lucas: "Hung like a donkey."
Ted: "Ahh, what a long weekend that was. I was pigeontoed for a week."

"That thing is looking for something" *wraith rides past* "Yeah.... Hookers!"

"He's gonna overshoot the jump and land in the water!"
"This horse is evil, it can swim you know!"

"I have floaties for my horse!"

Lucas: Look, a palantir! A great freaky Marble of Doom!
Ted: See the Marble. Feel the Doom. Ride the Walrus.

Craig: Is it me, or is there something very phallic about the whole wizard rod fight?

"When did Saruman abandon reason for madness?"
Craig: "You did NOT say dat!" *Gandalf gets smacked down* Taste the lime, bitch! I'm-onna smack you up!
*Gandalf spins away*
Craig: Gandalf, breakdancing champ of Middle Earth!

"I'm Farmer Maggott! I've got a scythe! I'll cut yer fuckin balls off!"

"That Wraith horse runs on pure ANGRY!"

Please Mr. Frodo?

Sam has a great big dirty root in his back, and he's telling Frodo about it.. scary..


Also, i just thought Lucas said the wraiths has Mails in their feet.. Angry Angry Mailmen indeed!

"The enemy has many spies. Birds... Beasts..."

Lucas: "Plants... rocks... shellfish... I tell you that Sauron wields a mean mollusc."

(I wish we had had this during Constantine.)

Leavetakings And Ring Observations

Craig's mom, leaving: Now, boys, feed the animals (Bird, cat and dog). I don't want to come back and find less animals than when I left!
Me: What if you find more? I have plans on a cat-bird hybrid.
Ted: And I ordered that giant squid!

G-Dalf (which shall be his name): Hold out your hand, Frodo. It's quite cool.
Ted (as Frodo): Than you take it!
Lucas: (as Frodo): You hold out your fuckin' hand, byatch!

"The inscription on the ring... it's some form of Elvish... I can't read it."
Ted: It says 'Insert Finger Here', numbnuts!

Explosives

Craig is right. There is something wrong with Gandalf coming out of his cart, arms full of explosives, chuckling evilly. "I'm-a-gonna blow them fuckers up! Heh heh heh!"

Different Perspectives

Hobbits desire peace and quiet says Bilbo Baggins.. Obviously he's never heard of Hobbit Khan! Great warlord of all the hobits, conqueror of elves, enslaver of dwarves!

Ted : Wizards are like bus drivers. They're never late, they arrive right when they mean to. Gandalf there for the party. And the boozeup. And the soccer moms. Heh! Heh! Soccer moms.

Take that, Sauron!

tHAT'S WHAT HE GETS FOR WEARING vERSACE ACCESORIES.

Yes, that was capslock, but I don't care.

Ted (as Isildur): No! My back! I'm not supposed to get arrows in it!

Ted the SANE?!?!?!?!

I am making a post on Lucas' request. But now, the marathon is starting, which is why I'm now going to stop typing, and will start watching humanoids hack at each other with sharpened sticks and big knives.

I'm also required to mention we have ten packs of starburst and at least 6 bottles of coke. And one pack of cheap assorted lolly. And other stuff I dare not mention.

See you at the end!

Sydney Control, we are testing ignition.

T-Minus 12.5 hours until Lord of the Rings Special Edition Marathon Begins. Aw fucken' yeah. that' going to be 11.5 hours of Peter-Jackson-y goodness. And it'll be the best kind of Peter Jackson-y goodness. The kind where we don't see Peter-Jackson.

In this blog, we shalt records the glory of said marathon for all to marvel at.

Yes, MARVEL at!